oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
