apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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