I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize