U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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