Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
