Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Randomize
