My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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