Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
