I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
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