I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Lo siento on account of my penis...
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
