Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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