Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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