Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize