I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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