I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
