I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize