You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize