cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
