he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Randomize
