If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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