i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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