gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
