Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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