i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Randomize
