There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
My hand turned me down
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
