i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
