I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
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