my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
