yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
