I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
