how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Randomize
