I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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