I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
