Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
