Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
