You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
