There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
There's always time for handjobs
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
