I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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