no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
