I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
