At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
