i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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