god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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