I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
