I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
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