I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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