I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
