I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
