This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize
