you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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