look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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