Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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