last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
