I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize