Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
