This is not my ceiling
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
