the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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