I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
