Church boner. Awkwardddd
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
