Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
