I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
