we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
