I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize