yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
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