he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
