ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
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