So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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